I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like breaking down, like I'm losing myself, and I don't even know where to begin to regain my composure. I knew it was inevitable that I would get into a fight with my dad, especially since my grandmother went on vacation. I didn't know when, I didn't know how it would start, all I knew was that it would be ugly and leave me feeling like shit afterward, and I was right. First thing this morning, he starts with my grandfather, who he seems to think owes him something. He insists that the reason he is the way that he is is because of my grandparents. Everyone is to blame but himself in other words, and he demanded an apology. Needless to say, he didn't get one from my grandfather. Frankly, my grandfather doesn't owe him shit, not after all the stuff he's put the family through throughout the years. For those of you who don't know, my father's a drug addict, and has been the majority of his life. He has never held a job, has never been able to function in society, has always been in and out of jails and rehabs, to produce absolutely no progress on the road to recovery. The last few years, he's been off heroin, but has been fucked up on methadone and pills. While they may be prescribed to him, he takes more than he should, and I wouldn't doubt that he is also acquiring other pills illegally. I know in the past, he's done this, and also, I know he's stolen methadone from the Clinic. Every time I see him, he's like a zombie. He falls asleep at the table when eating, while in the bathroom, he moves at an extremely slow pace and of course, when you point this out to him, he denies it. Everybody else in the house sees it, except him. And he'll argue with you about it - fight tooth and nail to try to prove that he's right. I normally don't say anything, but there are times that I cannot help myself. He's really lost his mind. I really don't even know who this person is anymore. I haven't known for a while now. I can't even stand the sight of him. I don't want to be near him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't even want to look at him. It honestly disgusts me. And no one in this world can make me as angry as he makes me. He makes me lose it, and I'm somebody who is able to keep their cool no matter what, but not when it comes to him. If some of you saw me when I interact with him, you wouldn't even recognize me. I'm not an inherently angry person, and I don't scream or yell, ever, at people. But him... he truly brings out the worst in me. Today is a perfect example. As previously stated, he started shit with my grandfather first, and I had to take him to the Clinic since my grandmother's away (which I HATE doing, for obvious reasons) and he immediately starts talking in the car. I asked him to stop, because I've heard everything before. His thing is, he tries to tell me how unfair his life has been and how everyone is always fucking with him and how everything is everybody else's fault. It is NEVER his fault. He wouldn't stop. I said I know he blames my grandparents for his condition. He denies it and says he doesn't blame them, even though not five minutes prior, he had said that he blames my grandfather. Thing is, my grandparents do not owe him anything. He's stolen off of them and has hurt them in more ways than even imaginable. He pawned their wedding rings, he stole money off of them, he's taken advantage of their kindness by letting him board here for free. My grandparents have to lock up and hide things because he's in the house and can't be trusted. I have to do the same thing, because he has stolen $600 worth of stuff from me in DVDs, video games and a video camera. How sad is that, that we have to lock up and hide things in our own house, because a member of the household can't be trusted? Well then he says, "I blame him for some things, I blame her for some things" (referring to my grandparents, obviously) and then he says, "And I blame you for some things." I lost it. I could not control myself any longer. I flipped on him. I honestly even scared myself, but I couldn't even try to hold it back. Blame me for things? What the fuck could I have possibly done to him, especially relating to his drug abuse? I honestly couldn't believe my ears. I told him he ruined my childhood. He asks me how. What the fuck does he mean "how"? He was never there, he was always out getting high somewhere. Then he tells me, he blames me because I'm not *affectionate* enough. What the fuck? Is he joking? Does he really expect me to be loving towards him after all that he's put me through? The other day he tried to kiss me, and I told him to get off of me. I don't want him touching me - it honestly disgusts me. It makes me skeeve. And also, he's (literally) disease ridden, and has given me bacterial infections in the past because of close contact, and I don't want that shit. He must be out of his damn mind... even though that has already been established. Not affectionate enough. I told him to go fuck himself. Then he goes in the Clinic, while I'm sitting in my car, literally boiling with rage. I was so angry, I was shaking. He comes out again and tries to apologize to me. I just let him talk, because I wasn't going to cause a scene in the parking lot. I told him to leave me alone and just let me go home. He tells me how he loves me and would take a bullet for me. But he's so fucking full of shit. I couldn't even pretend to forgive him. I left. On the ride home, I felt like crying, but I didn't. But as soon as I came home, I told my grandfather that I couldn't take it anymore, and did cry. I cannot have him in the house anymore. He needs to get the fuck out. He causes way too much tension, and leaves everybody feeling uneasy, and it's not healthy for the others in the house. Everything's always about him, but what about the rest of us? His counselors don't seem to get it, and actually play into his bullshit and believe that we have something to do with his condition. If they only knew. If they only fucking knew...

These past two months have been so hard, and I've been trying to stay positive and say things will get better. I've been doing my tarots and it says the same thing in every spread: That everything will work out, I just need to be patient. But I don't know how much patience I have left. The one person I need the most isn't here, and I've been feeling abandoned by everybody. I've been trying to put on a happy face, because I hate feeling like this. But it's become so fucking hard anymore. I know that we're all dying technically, since death is inevitable, but it's like I can feel it. Like I actually feel parts of myself disappearing and can feel my entire being withering away. I don't even talk to anybody about this because I know how ridiculous it sounds. But right now, I need to get it all out. I can't keep it bottled up anymore, because I feel like I'm going to snap. I really don't expect any input on this matter, or for anyone really to read this. I know that people don't really care, and that's fine; I can accept that. But this is therapeutic for me, and just something that needed to be done. I can only hope that things get better... hopefully this depression is just temporary. I hate being like this, and I never am. I'm rambling now, so I'll stop here to be polite to you, if anyone has even made it this far without their braincells melting...

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